Locked Inside My Head
by angelmonkey
Summary: Draco brooding....can't say much more than that cause otherwise I would give it away...lol Please R/R!! (its more interesting than it sounds. i promise.)


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Locked Inside My Head

By: Angelmonkey

Draco flopped his lifeless body into one of the empty seats in one of the empty compartments of the Hogwart's Express. It was June, the most dreaded month of the year for Draco. June meant that he had to return home. June meant being yelled at. June meant being scolded because he wasn't good enough. He was second in his class, not first. He was only so good at being a Seeker; he wasn't better than Harry fucking-golden-boy Potter. He was only so malicious, never malicious enough. He was never and would never be good enough for his parents.

The scarlet train arrived at the same time it always did. Draco stepped off of the Express and looked for Lucille, just the same as he did every year. And just the same as all of the other years before that, he greeted her with a snide politeness, a joke between the two that would have been lost on everyone else. Lucille lead Draco to the area from which they would use a portkey back to Malfoy Manor.

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Home sweet home. Draco thought bitterly. Letting a deeps sigh escape him, he began the long trip up the stairs to his room, his sanctuary. Not long after he began climbing the seemingly never-ending stairs, Lucius interrupted him. 

"How was your year?" Lucius asked, not asking how things went, was it good or bad; but asking if he was top of his class, had he finally beaten Harry Potter, was he finally malicious enough, or had he fallen short again.

"Fine." Draco replied evenly.

"I'm going to my room." He stated and continued his way up the stairs, ignoring Lucius's angry shouts.

Once inside his sanctuary, Draco flopped carelessly back onto his bed. He rubbed his hands over his tired, weary face before turning on his side and curling into a ball.

**__**

To my mother, to my father,

It's your son or it's your daughter,

Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?

Should I turn this up for you?

Draco lay curled up for several hours, silent sobs overcoming him every so often. And while he lay there all curled up, he thought. He thought of all of the things his _father_ had said to him over the years. He thought of all of the times that he had been put down because he wasn't good enough, of all the times he fell short. He tried counting the number of times that he had been told that he was loved, but then he realised that his parents had never spoken those words to him. He tried to remember even one time that his father had been proud of him. He couldn't think of a single time, because he then remembered that there had never been one.

**__**

I sit locked inside my head

Remembering everything you've said

This silence gets us nowhere

Gets us nowhere way too fast

Draco was surprised to find himself left alone that summer. His parents left him completely alone. Not an insult, not a putdown, not a word was spoken to him. Even Lucille, who usually was quite nosy and talked to him often, left him alone.

He later found that the reason he had been left so completely and utterly alone, was because his father had planned for him to be initiated as a Death Eater before the start of the next school year. Not wanting Draco to know about it, which would give him time to plan for his escape, Lucius had not breathed a word.

When Draco found out the reason for his seclusion he was livid. In his mind he was 16 and nearly an adult. It was his decision and decision alone as to whether or not he wanted to be a Death Eater. 

Since the day Draco had been born everything had been decided for him. From the socks he wore each day, to the school he would attend; from what quill he would use to the course he would take in life. Everything had been decided. He was sick of it. All he wanted was to make his own decisions. To live his life the way he wanted to live it. But his father wouldn't hear of it. His father wouldn't listen at all.

**__**

The silence is what kills me

I need someone here to help me

But you don't know how to listen

And let me make my decisions

The last week of summer dragged on slower than time had ever dragged before. Draco spent most of his time in his room, curled tightly in a ball, rocking gently back and forth. And while he sat, curled in his ball, he thought of everything that had happened to him and of everything that was going to happen to him. 

He pondered the worth of his life. He wondered if anyone would miss him when he was gone. Wondered if he should leave the maddening silence of his exile. 

He pondered and pondered, never truly coming to a conclusion, but deciding that should the opportunity to leave arise, he would take it.

**__**

'Cause I sit here locked

Inside my head remembering everything you've said

The silence gets us nowhere!

Gets us nowhere to fast!

Draco spent his last night envying every student at Hogwart's that had caring parents to come home to. He spent his last night curled in his ball, envying those with parents that cared. Parents that wanted their children, parents who saw more in their son than just an heir. He envied those who had a loving home, envied those who had never heard insults directed at them by their fathers.

Draco felt cheated. He felt as though he had been let down by his parents. They had brought him here, but they no longer cared for him, they never had. He was royally screwed up because of them. He longed to hear that he was loved, that they were proud of him, that second best was just as good as first to them. He needed something they couldn't give him. 

**__**

All your insults and your curses make

Me feel like I'm not a person

And I feel like I am nothing but

You made me so do something

'Cause I'm fucked up because you are

Need attention, attention you couldn't give

The beginning of seventh year couldn't have come soon enough for Draco. Lucille escorted him to platform 9 3/4 just as she had every year before. Draco said good-bye in that same snide politeness with which he greeted her just as he had every year before. And just as before he boarded the scarlet train that would take him away. He walked down the narrow hall before he reached an empty compartment. He flopped his body down onto one of the comfortable seats and then proceeded to pull his knees up to his chin. 

He spent the entire train ride to Hogwart's locked inside his head.

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Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my story. If you enjoyed it then **please** leave a **review.** It would mean a lot to me. Also, if you enjoyed this story then you might enjoy my other short stories or my long fic (which isn't so long just yet) Soul Searching. (I know, nothing like shameless self promotion...lol) Thanks again!!

Love Peace and Wizard Feet  
Manda


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